MARRIAGE- The “give and take” fallacy 2

In part one, I talked about loving your spouse wether you felt they deserved it or not. I also talked about communication( with a link to a previous article on communication). Today I will be writing about a couple of things which will serve as reality checks on this journey called marriage.
When we “fall in love”, our spouse can do no wrong and we are so attuned to each other, perfect for each other, finish each others’ sentences, blah, blah, blah, ad nauseum. After being married a few months to years we realize that our idol indeed has feet of clay! Our spouse falls from the pedestal of perfection that we once put them on, as we discover their faults, foibles and failings. Realize these two things:

1. Your spouse will irritate you: Yes, they will sometimes annoy you no end, irritate you like an itchy rash; and infuriate you beyond words. That sounds pessimistic! Well it is true. If you are married you would have had fights; you will know that two people, no matter how in-love they are, sometimes disagree. Sometimes people have habits that are annoying to the other person, for no other reason than the person is different. Do not take your spouse’s age old bad habits( throwing socks on the floor, squeezing toothpaste from the middle, leaving soap on the bathroom walls, not flushing the toilet, belching loudly, picking their nose, scratching, talking loudly, losing their keys, untidiness) as a personal attack or a sign that they do not love you. It is not. It is just them. They were like that before you married them, but your rose-colored spectacles were still on and now, you have taken them off! If you go into marriage thinking you will never have a fight, you are wrong. If you are married and your spouse has not annoyed you yet, you are probably still at your honeymoon. πŸ˜€
Bottom line is, your wife/husband will do things you don’t like and you can let them know(NICELY) what the issue is. This takes me to my next point.

2. “If you really loved me, I would not have to tell you…..” Hold it right there! So, some people( mostly ladies) think that if their husbands loved them, they(husband ) would automatically know the wife’s needs without having to be told. I used to think that way myself ( πŸ™‚ ). For some reason I thought that if my husband loved me as much as he claimed to, that I would not have to ask him to help with the dishes, or pick up his socks, or take me out to dinner. “He should just know”, I thought. How erroneous! You still have to talk. You still have to be vocal about what your needs are. If someone does not even know what you want from them, how can they do it for you/ give it to you? Now the usual countering argument to this is that, “if I have to tell them, then want is the point? If I have to tell my husband to take me out to dinner, then it doesn’t feel like he wants to”. My answer to that is “Says who?” This may seem like a good argument on the face of it, but it is all Hollywood, friends. The counter argument would be that since both parties are working together for the common good of the marriage, it doesn’t matter who suggests date night, or who buys the flowers for who, or wether you ask your hubby to wash the dishes or put the children to bed. Remember, however that asking is meant to be as a request and NOT a demand.
Please do not assume that loving you ascribes omniscience to your spouse.

Watch out for the concluding segment of The Give and Take Fallacy

Related links:
What’s love go to do with it?
Marriage-The give and take fallacy


10 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Liza V.
    Jan 17, 2013 @ 17:15:03

    I appreciate your honesty. I’ve been married for 7 years and we’re divorcing and learned all these things and I hope you keep your connection strong as well as mutual willingness – i think the greatest lesson for me is; not competing with each other…being open to each other and not try to obtain the illusion of power by holding back, giving in blindly or neglecting all together.


    • sholashade
      Jan 17, 2013 @ 19:01:59

      Sorry to hear you are divorcing, Liza. Unfortunately divorce is all too common in our society today and my blog hopes to pull people back before they get to that point.
      I wish you all the best for the future.


  2. hiddinsight
    Jan 17, 2013 @ 19:00:22

    An just to add something brief to your number 2 point, not only are you responsible for vocalizing your needs and desires, but you need to ask MORE THAN ONCE! I’m not talking about nagging, I’m talking about communicating. I had no idea these things were beneficial or necessary when I got married! If only I had known then.


    • sholashade
      Jan 17, 2013 @ 23:34:24

      You are right. Sometimes you do need to ask more than once, however one should not come across as pushy, demanding or nagging. Thanks for the comment!


      • hiddinsight
        Jan 19, 2013 @ 18:09:22

        It is HARD to do!! I asked my husband for about 3 months to please put a picture up on the wall. I was down to asking him about once week when he finally did it. I didn’t nag because it wasn’t really a big deal, and I could have probably just done it myself. The point is, if I had only asked him once, it would have never happened.

      • sholashade
        Jan 19, 2013 @ 21:22:15

        I get your point and I was not disagreeing with you, but your point does raise a few issues. The article above did not address(nor did it attempt to) the specifics of asking your spouse to do specific tasks.
        First of all, asking someone to do something once every week is nagging. You may not intend to nag but your husband will probably see it as such. Two, there may be a reason for the resistance that we may not have touched on. He may have been too busy.He may have been thinking, but not saying, “Why don’t you hang it up yourself?”. He may have been angry about your persistence( ie nagging) and have been reluctant to do it. It is hard to say since i don’t have the specifics. The fact that you eventually wore down his resistance is neither here nor there.
        A few more things: If you ask your spouse using the terms “would you please” or “will you please” rather than “could you” or “can you” you will get better results. Also asking as a request for help rather than a demand will also get things done faster. When things do get done heartfelt thanks rather than, “Oh finally, it’s about time”, will motivate him the next time. One last thing, patience. If you guys have been in a “nag-wear down his resistance” cycle for a long time it will take a while to break out of.

      • hiddinsight
        Jan 21, 2013 @ 21:42:01

        Hi there! I know the article did not address the issues I brought up. But it was close enough that I thought I would comment (plus it was marriage related). I hope that’s okay…otherwise let me know and, in the future, I can try harder to stay on topic or just not comment.

        I can understand how you would read “nag” into what I said. I think that it is more likely that women ARE nags, than not. But I have never been a nag (even asked my husband for confirmation of this before I wrote this). In fact, for most of my 15 years of marriage, I didn’t ask him for much. If I needed anything, I just told myself to deal with it and/or it was “my problem.” In this way, I shut him out of my heart. I didn’t need him. It provided temporary relief from the feeling you get when you are lacking.

        Anyway, long story short, I had an affair. Not saying that was entirely the reason, but I can tell you my husband never saw it coming. Because he had no clue what I needed or wanted. I simply never asked. Never told him.

        In therapy, I learned soooooo much from our communication mistakes with each other. I learned that my husband needs to know what I need. And I need to ask more than once. Obviously, using my “nice voice” is assumed πŸ™‚

        Communication has been a refreshing addition to our marriage, and pivotal to our recovery. The fact that I realize not only is it beneficial for me to need him, but it is paramount that I ASK. He loves me and wants to provide for me. I have no excuses to look for it somewhere else.

        I’ve learned a lot about this specific point, and I guess that’s what I was saying. Again, I’m sorry it was off-topic. I have to admit that I felt judged after reading yoru response, but I understand why you said the things you did. Most wives do nag. But me? I ask for what I need because I know that if I don’t communicate what I need, our marriage is in trouble.

      • sholashade
        Jan 22, 2013 @ 14:25:33

        Thank you for sharing. I hope that you and your hubby continue to work together to strengthen your marriage.

  3. Kitten
    Oct 28, 2013 @ 22:09:09

    @Hiddinsight, Please do not make the statement, that “most women nag.” That is so unfair, so untrue. .


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: